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Custodial father - once lost temporary custody due to ARMY deployment - now faces mother again for custody fight

Your Question:
I currently have my son 4 nights a week vs his mom with 3 nights a week per court order (initially from approx 4 years ago). From early 2005 to early 2006 I temporarily lost all my custody rights due to being deployed with the ARMY. I returned in March and in April I fought- I won and my custody was restored. Now, the childs mom is angry and wants more time since she is living with her current boyfriend of about 8 months and she is pregnant with her 4th child with her 4th different guy. I was number three.

Mediation failed and now we are set for a conciliation. She fails to communicate and has initiated a number of lies about me, my parents and my wife to try to fuel her case. I have documentation on calendars from when the child was one year old that clearly depict Myself as the primary caretaker and provider as he resided with me 85% of the days/nights. The child will be seven in September.

My questions are Should I fear the loss of the current custody arrangements? Do you think she will get more time or possibly primary physical custody? Should I fight clean and honest? The best arrangement would be for me to have full custody- but I would be very happy if I could have him for the school year and she for the summers, so what moves should I make next? Whats your advise?

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My Answer:

You have a strong position, so long as you don't screw it up.

Read plenty of posts on this website to get a sense of what's important in custody decisions.

I think your biggest issue is whether or not you'll be deployed again. A child needs a stable home and presence of a parent who is around.

You've chosen a very noble career to defend our country, but Dads-in-Battle-or-Killed face a tough time being a reliable parent. It's a choice that you've made to devote yourself to a bigger cause than just raising a child, and while millions of children may benefit from that... a court may ask if your OWN child benefits from that.

Don't worry about her lies. If there's no evidence, just respond that it's bunk, she's unstable, and there is no evidence.

You should fight clean and honest, of course. However, don't confuse "clean and honest" with "strategic and aggressive". The two can co-exist, though it may take a bit more work.

In terms you'll understand, if you want the quickest way to wipe out the enemy, you'd just send in the Enola Gay over to Bahgdad, and BOOM, it's over. That's not "clean or honest", however, because it causes such harm to innocent people.

So, you need to read my website (and/or others) to understand how to wage your war.

You, in particularly, would appreciate the book "Win Your Child Custody War", which I describe on my What You Must Have page.

You are the stronger power, and you need to strategically assert your position to win your war.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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