Advice from someone who has been in your shoes
  Search entire web
Supervised Visitation Directory
Return to list of questions Return to topic groups
Father has custody of kids from first marraige, now facing divorce with child in second marriage

Your Question:
Father of young child and three children from prior marriage now facing another divorce. My wife has just filed for divorce and no teporary hearing for custody has been set yet. Our son is 4 years old and I want shared custody but she does not. I have 3 childern (11,13,15) from my first wife and got custody of all 3 after the divorce. At the time the yougest was 6 months old. The youngest was 5 years old when me and my current wife were married. A few years ago all partys involed thought it was in the best interest for my oldest to live with her mom and we went to court and made it so.

It is now over 2 months since she filed and we have a hearing on temporary matters (Dakota and the home) coming up Monday. We have lived togeather until now and it is getting to the point that it isn't a good idea. I am asking for primary custody of Dakota with his mother having him on Monday and Thursday, her days off. I wanted 50/50 but she is unwilling to compromise. I have been a very good father and made Dakota the center of my attention. I have collected affidavits from several people and letters from the daycare and school. I also have my last evaluation from work.

I have followed your advise and would like to know if you have any more good advice on how to prepare???

Custody and visitation problems? We can help. can help you win custody, change custody, or reduce child support. Recommended by mediators and therapists and used every day by thousands of parents and families worldwide.

My Answer:

The affadavits from teachers and daycare are good. Also, bring the orders regarding the other kids if your ex disputes that you've had primary custody of them.

Part of your argument should be that the 4 year old is strongly bonded to the siblings, and it's in his best interest to spend significant time around them as to help reduce the traumatic blow of the separation.

Similarly, you should stay in the home for the sake of the kids, and mom should be required to move out.

The work evaluation is irrelevant, unless you want to convince the court that you're a better employee than you are a parent.

If you have anything specifically negative (and relevant) about the mother as a parent, it'd be good to bring it to the hearing.

Whatever the outcome of the temporary hearing, that's going to set the tone for the rest of it.

If the mother is decent, offering only Mondays and Thursdays makes you look insensitive to the mother/child relationship. I suggest you also propose alternating weekends (e.g., Saturday morning to Sunday evening).

If both of you are decent parents, I agree that a shared parenting plan would be ideal. Use your proposed parenting plan as leverage to try to get a 50/50 settlement.

If you prevail at the temporary hearing, you could probably accelerate everything (and minimize litigation and attorney fees) by thereafter offering a plan close to 50/50.

Always do what's best for the kid and build strategies around what will deliver that outcome. Don't play tit-for-tat, regardless of how your wife behaves.

Do whatever you can to keep things calm with your wife. That's in everyone's best interest. Pray for peace, but also prepare for war.

Finally, if I were in your shoes, I'd get a vasectomy. Four kids and two broken homes-- I wouldn't want to add any more to the tragic mix (and all you can do now is try to manage as best you can for the kids).

Good luck.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

© 2005 ~ 2022 All Rights Reserved.