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Never married mother of infant doesn't like father; filed for child support; now fighting for custody

Your Question:
I am an un wed new mother of 3mo. Father wanted nothing to do with me while i was pregnant after my 4th month which we planned to have a child. we both had our rebel lives prior and he wanted to still have fun which we both had our adictions at the time. Which now I am the best mother i can be and love my daughter more than life itself attending college classes online through residental college. I had no problems with her father visiting her even though he didn't respect me as the other parent or a person i ignored his constant lies that he kept catching himself in by other lies, and his assumtions. I got tired of it so addressed the possibility of a noterized agreement of visitation which he refused and started an explosion. He threated to take her while her being in his arms and long story short i had to search for her which finding her with him at his aa meating. I am now not letting him see her due to fright of never seeing her again. I filed for child support he didn't buy clothes car seat stroller bottles blankets diapers wipes until she was 4 weeks old and thought he wanted to be a father. he is now trying to get custody of her when he recived child support document. he stated he will my past mistakes against me which mine are on documents and his past never came back to bite him. What can i do? My medical record of 1 mistake can give him my baby girl? He is so mean temper problem no patents with her when fussy tells her to shut up so i dont want her to be where he can't give her to me just to cool down what do i do? what shall i bring up in court and how aboust i defend myself?

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My Answer:

I suggest that you do your best to separate him as a boyfriend vs him as a father. However lousy he was at being your boyfriend, it's irrelevant in child custody. Set that aside.

The court will probably be concerned about both your pasts, given that it was so recent. So, you need to show the court that you're serious about this parenting thing.

I suggest you go into court and request the following:

  • Both parents must attend and complete a local parenting course that is approved by the court.

  • Both parents must attend co-parenting counseling (together) at least twice monthly for three months. You two will have to work with each other for the next 18 years. It can be with all this current anger and hatred, or it can be more peaceful. Which is better for you, which is best for the child? Co-parenting counseling can help you both put the past aside, and come to agreements on how to move forward.

  • Figure out a step-up parenting plan. He may be interested in seeing the child frequently, but may likewise be okay with having limited hours for now. So, what if he took child for five days per week, three hours at a time? If he needs to build up his patience, that could help. Likewise, an infant needs frequency of contact for bonding. Such a schedule would work. After four months of this, step-up to perhaps four days weekly with four hours on two of them, and six hours on two of them. After several months of that, change the six hour days to sleepovers. This ensures that within a year, the child is spending great time with both parents, and your concerns about dad needing to be eased into this is resolved. If dad isn't truly serious about parenting, he's going to start ditching much of his parenting time, so that'll be a good test too.

An approach like what I outlined could get you both to a better place within 12 months.

If you're interested in fighting with the father, continue your current route. If you're interested in making peace -- regardless of the past -- you'll have to take an approach similar to what I outlined.

Invite the father to write to me, and I'll tell him the same-- calm down, try to mediate, and do your best to leave the past behind both of you.

Good luck.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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