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Stepmom at a loss how to handle the mother's constant, out-of-control behavior

Your Question:
My husband and I have been together now for 5 years, married one year. My husband's ex wife gives us pure hell. She is a pathalogical liar. She was getting $125 per week for child support and we only had his son every other weekend. She felt it wasn't enough money so she kept taking him to court to raise the support. After about going through this for 3 times my husband told the judge he was tired of coming to court for the same thing. The court looked over everything and agreed and told her if she did it again she would be sanction. She stopped only to start going to the police station and file false police reports. With all her lies she was able to get a restraining order against him. During this period she also was lying about different thing, saying my husband was molesting my daughters. She went to child protective service on me twice. She tried to get me cut off of assistance and I wasn't on it, only recieving child care checks. They stopped those to investagate the situation. One day her not abiding by the judge orders the judge granted my husband temporarialy custody. When he went to get him she pulled a shot gun on him and chased him down the street. He left only to have her follow him and try to fun him over in his car. He called the police and they arrested him because the restraining order was against him. When he got of jail 2 days later we went to the police station to see what we could do to protect our selves from this woman and they arrested him again. They asked him if he would be willing to take a lie test and he said yes. He took it and past. When he went back to court and the judge seen the results of the test he suggested to him that he file for custody. He did and a lot of things went on during the trial that she did to try to make us look bad. At the time we were engaged, she told the judge we were not planning on getting married, we just say we are to make our selves look good. She was mad when she found out we were! The judge ask my husband what type of custody would he like or think would be fair. My husband told him week on week off, the judge granted him his wish. Of course she still does things to make us look bad, but evryone knows its not us its her. She wrote a letter to the school telling them she didn't want me to pick up my stepson. We had to get a letter from the judge stating she could have who she wanted to pick up their son during her week and he could have who he wanted during his week. She now questions him about everything he does at our home when he goes to her house. She makes appointments during our week and won't let us know, she just goes to the school and picks him up knowing she's not suppose to be there. We have this situation under control, but my question to you is; "How do we handle a woman who is jealous of us and always wanting to know what is going on in our household?" Before we got married she always threw her last name in my face now she won't sign her last name to anything. She dates the papers where it says parent signature! Please advise!
Thank you
the good ones

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My Answer:

I know you wrote a long entry, wanting to give me all the details, but I really think you and your husband are doing okay in how to handle it. Not much more can be done.

The judge sounds like he believes and supports your husband.

All you can do is clean up the mess with people/agencies that matter (e.g., the school), and do your best to ignore everything else.

Also, you two should get a copy of a book called "Divorce Poison", which offers excellent advice on how to help your kids survive when one parent is constantly on the warpath and attempting to taint the other parent's relationship with the kids. I describe that book further on my Recommended Books page.

Do your best not to engage this woman. Handle unbearable conflicts through the court. Get good at documenting things, so you can show the court exactly what's going on.

If everything you outline is true, it may only be a matter of time before your husband has sole custody and gets a restraining order against the mother.

But, unfortunately for those of us who live in it, family law sometimes takes a while for really good resolution.

Keep your marriage healthy, protect your homestead from her chaos, find ways to manage your stress (therapy, yoga, kick-boxing, whatever), and be assertive in seeking relief against whatever new crap she pulls.

That's all you can do. There's no magic answer. It's not a fun life and it doesn't seem fair, but that's the only possible solution to reach eventual peace (if even possible).

Good luck.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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