I have been separated since 12/2002, when my husband
suddenly announced he was not coming home anymore. At the
time, we'd just put his 2 children on a plane to visit
their mother (he has three with his exwife, one with an
exgf), and I was 37 weeks pregnant with our only child. I
also have a child from a previous marriage (the father and
I get along very well & have kept everything out of the
courts for many years).
My husband had made several suicidal statements in the
previous weeks and claimed to be very stressed out from his
job (Army recruiter) - I had, of course, encouraged him to
get help. He refused.
Approximately two weeks after he moved out, he called me to
tell me that he was living with a friend, a female friend.
I was already suspicious because of his actions and also a
co-worker of his (and his boss) had informed me that he was
not working the extensive hours he'd claimed (14-16 hours a
day) but that he'd been spending many hours going off with
a woman who worked at the store next to his office. He
said he wanted to tell me before someone else did and
I "got the wrong idea". I didn't confront him and just
thanked him for telling me. A day or two later, his
cellphone accidentally called my home and I was treated to
several minutes worth of him and his lady friend being
*ahem* involved (not actual sex, but pretty close).
I did confront him on that, he denied, of course. However,
after that, he became very emotionally & verbally abusive
I called him when I went into labor and he did attend the
birth, physically at least - but he was very distant and
left immediately after our son was born. He did not
return, as promised, to take us home when released and my
mother stepped in. When he did return, it was to pressure
me into cosigning a loan for a friend of his - he stuck
around long enough to get my signature and to take me back
to the hospital (I developed an infection and was
readmitted *with* my newborn son for 24 hours). After
that, he dropped by once a week for approximately 4 weeks
to help with our furnace and spend 10 minutes with our
son. The last time he did that, he informed me that the
following weekend, he would be taking our son for the
weekend. I explained my concerns with that (a newborn,
breastfeeding infant as well as reports by his brother that
his female "roommate" had physically assaulted him in his
brother's presence). He offered to take him for 8 hours
instead and I told him that I would feel more comfortable
if he would allow me to come along - that I would stay in
the background and let him do everything, except nurse of
course! He then told me that I should be grateful for
his "friend" because she was the one who talked him out of
coming home several times and hurting or killing the kids
and me. I was speechless and he left immediately after.
I called him later that week, leaving a voicemail
explaining that I really felt that it would be better for
our son if he allowed me to accompany him (after all, his
family, where he claimed to be taking him, was eager to see
me). I heard nothing from him for two weeks.
When I emailed him asking when he was coming to see our son
again, he responded that he would see his son when he could
take him under his terms - ONLY. I heard nothing after
that until I called him because our son was hospitalized
for 3 days approx 8 weeks later. I don't know why I called
him, I hoped that maybe he would pull it together and be a
good dad. He first demanded to know when I was leaving and
when I said that I would not be leaving, he was obviously
irritated, but did show up about 2 hours later, stayed for
15 minutes, made a snotty comment when the baby started to
cry, shoved him in my arms and left. I tried calling him
to give him updates, but he never answered the calls nor
responded to the voicemails, nor did he call the doctor or
hospital. That was April 2003 and that was the last time
he made any attempt to have contact our son despite living
20 minutes away.
In the intervening years, he has also abandoned the rest of
his children. (He never told his children why they didn't
come home from visiting their mother, he just dumped them.
However, due to issues in the mother's home, she sent the
two older boys back to live with him. He gave them to his
brother instead. His brother couldn't keep the eldest and
made him take the boy in early summer 2003. The brother
then made him take the younger boy in 2004).
In the summer of 2003, he'd put his then 13 yr old son up
in his own apt (because the son & his gf did not get along)
and went on vacation without the child. I know this
because C&Y called me to take emergency custody. Despite
being told by C&Y that they had taken the child, my stbx
did not cut his vacation short. The child was returned to
him with requirements for psychiatric evaluations and
parenting classes - which he did not do. Six months later,
stbx and the same child had a physical altercation that
resulted in stbx choking his son and calling C&Y telling
them to take the boy before he killed him. The child was
returned to the mother just prior to the hearing and all
charges were dropped by C&Y.
He returned the younger boy to the mother in November
2004. He has initiated no contact since that time.
Prior to our marriage, he made the choice to have no
contact with his then infant son with his exgirlfriend,
claiming she assaulted him.
He also had a history of being overly physically aggressive
with his children - I confronted him with this before we
got married and he agreed to stop all physical discipline
of his kids and he held to that until just before he left -
over three years.
(He'd dislocated his daughter's shoulder when she was 4, as
well as smacked his kids' mouths hard enough to draw blood
and I believe in gentle discipline).
He filed for a reduction in child support (garnished, but
$4,000 in arrears) in October claiming unemployment. He
was in the midst of changing service (from Reserve
recruiter to Guards recruiter) and his paystubs were
incomplete. Based on this, he was granted a small
reduction. I appealed and his paystub showed that he was
earning over $1000/mo more then he claimed. After the
hearing, he followed me out of the hearing room, verbally
berating me and ended it with the threat that he will sue
me for overnight visitations with "his" son.
I'm trying not to let it worry me, because I know it is
emotional blackmail, but I am concerned about my child. My
child is very sensitive and does not adjust well to change
and greatly dislikes strangers. He senses my stress and
immediately becomes very cranky, insecure, clingy and
We co-sleep and are very affectionate. He is also very
attached to his older brother.
Between my stbx's history, abandonment and his older
children's information about how cold and nasty his gf was
to them, I do worry about my small child being forced into
I try to keep in the front of my mind that he hasn't filed
and he may never, but I am worried.
Given that you didn't ask a single question, I guess all I can say is thanks for the long story.
If all that you say is true about the father, he shouldn't be around any children.
Beyond that, I think you personally may benefit from some counseling. Find a good therapist to share all this with, and be open to discovering and resolving your own issues.
I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
If that response isn't acceptable to you, then here are the words that you probably wanted to read (as I'm likely not the first person to hear this horrid story in hopes of getting on-going sympathy): "You are all wonderful, and the father is all evil."
Boom. Done. Next entry.
This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.