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Custodial mother has to put up with lying, violent, abusive, and threatening father

Your Question:
I have been separated since 12/2002, when my husband suddenly announced he was not coming home anymore. At the time, we'd just put his 2 children on a plane to visit their mother (he has three with his exwife, one with an exgf), and I was 37 weeks pregnant with our only child. I also have a child from a previous marriage (the father and I get along very well & have kept everything out of the courts for many years).

My husband had made several suicidal statements in the previous weeks and claimed to be very stressed out from his job (Army recruiter) - I had, of course, encouraged him to get help. He refused.

Approximately two weeks after he moved out, he called me to tell me that he was living with a friend, a female friend. I was already suspicious because of his actions and also a co-worker of his (and his boss) had informed me that he was not working the extensive hours he'd claimed (14-16 hours a day) but that he'd been spending many hours going off with a woman who worked at the store next to his office. He said he wanted to tell me before someone else did and I "got the wrong idea". I didn't confront him and just thanked him for telling me. A day or two later, his cellphone accidentally called my home and I was treated to several minutes worth of him and his lady friend being *ahem* involved (not actual sex, but pretty close). I did confront him on that, he denied, of course. However, after that, he became very emotionally & verbally abusive towards me.

I called him when I went into labor and he did attend the birth, physically at least - but he was very distant and left immediately after our son was born. He did not return, as promised, to take us home when released and my mother stepped in. When he did return, it was to pressure me into cosigning a loan for a friend of his - he stuck around long enough to get my signature and to take me back to the hospital (I developed an infection and was readmitted *with* my newborn son for 24 hours). After that, he dropped by once a week for approximately 4 weeks to help with our furnace and spend 10 minutes with our son. The last time he did that, he informed me that the following weekend, he would be taking our son for the weekend. I explained my concerns with that (a newborn, breastfeeding infant as well as reports by his brother that his female "roommate" had physically assaulted him in his brother's presence). He offered to take him for 8 hours instead and I told him that I would feel more comfortable if he would allow me to come along - that I would stay in the background and let him do everything, except nurse of course! He then told me that I should be grateful for his "friend" because she was the one who talked him out of coming home several times and hurting or killing the kids and me. I was speechless and he left immediately after. I called him later that week, leaving a voicemail explaining that I really felt that it would be better for our son if he allowed me to accompany him (after all, his family, where he claimed to be taking him, was eager to see me). I heard nothing from him for two weeks.

When I emailed him asking when he was coming to see our son again, he responded that he would see his son when he could take him under his terms - ONLY. I heard nothing after that until I called him because our son was hospitalized for 3 days approx 8 weeks later. I don't know why I called him, I hoped that maybe he would pull it together and be a good dad. He first demanded to know when I was leaving and when I said that I would not be leaving, he was obviously irritated, but did show up about 2 hours later, stayed for 15 minutes, made a snotty comment when the baby started to cry, shoved him in my arms and left. I tried calling him to give him updates, but he never answered the calls nor responded to the voicemails, nor did he call the doctor or hospital. That was April 2003 and that was the last time he made any attempt to have contact our son despite living 20 minutes away.

In the intervening years, he has also abandoned the rest of his children. (He never told his children why they didn't come home from visiting their mother, he just dumped them. However, due to issues in the mother's home, she sent the two older boys back to live with him. He gave them to his brother instead. His brother couldn't keep the eldest and made him take the boy in early summer 2003. The brother then made him take the younger boy in 2004). In the summer of 2003, he'd put his then 13 yr old son up in his own apt (because the son & his gf did not get along) and went on vacation without the child. I know this because C&Y called me to take emergency custody. Despite being told by C&Y that they had taken the child, my stbx did not cut his vacation short. The child was returned to him with requirements for psychiatric evaluations and parenting classes - which he did not do. Six months later, stbx and the same child had a physical altercation that resulted in stbx choking his son and calling C&Y telling them to take the boy before he killed him. The child was returned to the mother just prior to the hearing and all charges were dropped by C&Y.

He returned the younger boy to the mother in November 2004. He has initiated no contact since that time. Prior to our marriage, he made the choice to have no contact with his then infant son with his exgirlfriend, claiming she assaulted him.

He also had a history of being overly physically aggressive with his children - I confronted him with this before we got married and he agreed to stop all physical discipline of his kids and he held to that until just before he left - over three years.

(He'd dislocated his daughter's shoulder when she was 4, as well as smacked his kids' mouths hard enough to draw blood and I believe in gentle discipline).

He filed for a reduction in child support (garnished, but $4,000 in arrears) in October claiming unemployment. He was in the midst of changing service (from Reserve recruiter to Guards recruiter) and his paystubs were incomplete. Based on this, he was granted a small reduction. I appealed and his paystub showed that he was earning over $1000/mo more then he claimed. After the hearing, he followed me out of the hearing room, verbally berating me and ended it with the threat that he will sue me for overnight visitations with "his" son.

I'm trying not to let it worry me, because I know it is emotional blackmail, but I am concerned about my child. My child is very sensitive and does not adjust well to change and greatly dislikes strangers. He senses my stress and immediately becomes very cranky, insecure, clingy and physically ill.

We co-sleep and are very affectionate. He is also very attached to his older brother.

Between my stbx's history, abandonment and his older children's information about how cold and nasty his gf was to them, I do worry about my small child being forced into that situation.

I try to keep in the front of my mind that he hasn't filed and he may never, but I am worried.

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My Answer:

Given that you didn't ask a single question, I guess all I can say is thanks for the long story.

If all that you say is true about the father, he shouldn't be around any children.

Beyond that, I think you personally may benefit from some counseling. Find a good therapist to share all this with, and be open to discovering and resolving your own issues.

I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

If that response isn't acceptable to you, then here are the words that you probably wanted to read (as I'm likely not the first person to hear this horrid story in hopes of getting on-going sympathy): "You are all wonderful, and the father is all evil."

Boom. Done. Next entry.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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