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Custodial mother wonders if keeping child from unstable father is "fair"; also concerns about father taking child internationally

Your Question:
My husband and i are seperated. I live in Canada with our son, and he's an american. So is our son. My husband wants to see our child in canada. But i'm so afraid that he'll take him from me into america. He jumps from women to women and is a heavy drug user. He has a long record with the police and is a very unstable person. I know that my husband loves our child. And i don't want to keep him from his son. But he's so unstable, and he's always doing something illegal. I want to have full custody of my son, for i love my son with all my heart. And i lead a totaly diffrent life than my husband. It's very hard to discuss what's right for our child when his whole family wants this baby to be with him. He's the first grandchild to their only son. He's very hard to talk to when it comes to our baby, and i don't want to be harsh or crule with our baby. What do i do? I don't want to make a mistake that will cause me to lose my baby. We seperated because he had cheated on me and moved on while i was in canada, and i'm afraid that if he had it in him to hurt me like that he most likely does not care too much in regards to the baby. My husband's always at the wrong place at the wrong time,wrong kind of friends, wrong way of thinking he's an adult. It's his choice. But our son needs someone to make the right choices. And as much as he loves his son he's incapable of doing so. His own mother says that about him. But that's before we sepreated. I don't mind him having our son from time to time, it's only right. But i know how hard headed he can be, and he lives his life based on lies and hussleing. I want to be fair, but i'm afraid my son will suffer and i will forever regreat it. He's put me in such a position now, that i don't know what to do.

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My Answer:

Being fair is a great way to go through life. But sometimes doing the right thing is not always "fair".

You may recall, as I do, that when we are kids, our common retort is "That's not fair!" when our parents didn't let us have our way. Being a parent means watching out for a child's best interest, not simply exercising fairness.

So, if everything you say is true, then I think you have an obligation to continue in the same vein as you have been going. If the father is as bad as you say, and of course I have no way of knowing how bad he is, then I would agree that it's in this child's best interest to have limited contact with his dad.

I think it's important for you to talk with an attorney in your area to ensure you and your son are protected against the father trying to remove the child from Canada (i.e., protection would allow you to immediately use law enforcement for a kidnapping, versus having to wait for weeks or months in family court for orders to have the child returned).

So... in conclusion, if everything you outlined is true about the father, I think you're doing the RIGHT thing in keeping minimal contact between father and son... until father demonstrates a more stable and cleaner lifestyle (which may never happen).

Good luck.


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