I am involved with a man who is in the middle of a messy
divorce/custody battle with his ex. He is in no way a
deadbeat dad or an absentee father. He loves his kids and
worries about them endlessly. There is no real custody
agreement in place however, the children do reside with her
because he had to take an "out of town" position with his
company in order to keep his job. Yes, he pays a
considerable amount of child support (more than half of his
income). Of course it's never enough for her. After a few
run ins with her myself, I truly believe she is a
Narcissist. I went so far as to research the subject quite
extensively. She matches the profile and characteristics
100%. Not sure if you've ever had dealings with one but,
she has managed to con and manipulate everyone including
the children and the courts. If he refuses to do anything
SHE tells him to do, she punishes him by using the children
(bad mouthing him to the kids, refusing phone contact
between them, interferring with visitation--of course she
makes it seem as though it's the childrens decision, and
she even took time out of her schedule to teach the kids a
new game... "how many ways to kill SHELLY".) Yep, it's
true. She even left me a voicemail telling me so. She has
had the oldest daughter call my voicemail and leave me
messages thanking me for taking their daddy away from them.
Needless to say, the children hate me quite a bit. (though
I've never even met them). She doesn't allow the children
to speak to him if I'm anywhere in the vicinity and then
berates and harrasses him for failing to be a part of their
lives. By the way, HER new b/f IS allowed around the
children anytime of the day although the children have been
warned not to "tell their father" about her life. I'm tired
of all of her lies, the deception and the damage she's
doing to the kids. The daughter is 16 with serious
behavioral and mental health issues, the son is 11 and
showing signs of the destruction she leaves in her wake.
(problems in school and increasingly hostile behavior.)
After 20+ years of abuse and control at the hands of this
woman, the father doesn't seem able to find a way to deal
with her the proper way. Primarily because no matter what
he does, she finds a way to make it all his fault. She's
like teflon, lol. I've talked him into getting couseling
and he agrees that he needs it. So I guess for all my
rambling... my question is, how should he/we deal with her?
Or the kids? I'm lost for answers and often times wonder if
we're the ones who are insane. Any info you could provide
would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.
I understand that you're trying to help, but the father should be the one writing to me. He's the only one who can effect change, and taking the lead is important to his growth (per what you describe). To change the situation will likely require getting court orders to enforce a parenting plan.
If this woman is leaving you messages about a desire to murder you, you should contact the police.
Regarding the hatred the children exhibit, I recommend that you and he read the book Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak. It's available on Amazon, and I have a convenient link to it on my Recommended Resources
Best wishes for you,
This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.