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Father who cheated still can't see his child; still wonders what to do

Your Question:
I know that this isn't a legal question. but you seem like you have good common sense and I need to ask your advice on something.

My mom called me tonight and said that my wife called her and offered to bring the baby over to her house tomorrow to visit. My mom has fobidden me to be anywhere near her house tomorrow. I understnad shes not being mean she just misses her grandkid and wants to see him. knowing my wife this is telling me that her concience is telling her that its wrong to keep the baby away from my family and hopfully me to!

my mom agreed to give her a letter from me. i wrote a mixture of my feelings nad put some advice on there that i got from a legal forum. basically iasked her if it would be possible to allow me to see our son at my moms house with my mom present. i also asked my mom to ask her if my oldest son could be there for the visit to. he wnats to see his stepmom and his baby brother as much as i do. i konw without a doubt that my wife is missing him a lot to.

but anyway. i spoke with an attorny he said that with custody alone im looking at 35000$ before this is all said and done. unless you make amilion a year i dont know who could afford that much! i think that im gonna wait it out a couple more weeks and hope that my wife comes around on her own at least in regards to me seeing our son.

i think that she needs her parents so much right now because of what i did that she's up until now just been listening to what they say. i cant imagine that it was their idea that my wife take our son to visit with my mom. they dont like me or my whoe family and have made that clear since day one. my mom was a housekeeper almost her whole life, and i could tell that they looked down on her.

if i wait it out i think that i might have a good chance of seeing him and working out something with my wife. not getting back with her necesarily but in regards to seeing my son on a regular basis. i think that this visit with my mom plus the letter might help my wife do the right thing.

shes a really good person. this is the first time that ive ever seen her intentionaly hurt anyone. ever. what would you do?

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My Answer:

Thanks for writing and for the nice words. I'm sorry for your situation, caused by your decision to commit adultry... background to your situation is HERE.

The longer you wait to take action, the worse it is for you.

You don't have an ex who really cares about your feelings or about the paternal bond. She won't "come around." You've embarrassed her, you ignored your marriage vows, you unfairly destroyed your family, and you won't be trusted for a long time.

When you write, "This is the frist time I've ever seen her intentionally hurt anyone", do you fully realize the permanent impact adultry has on your relationship with your ex? You call her your "wife", but she's been gone for six months, with no interest to communicate with you. As I've already said previously, it's not right to keep a child from a good parent, so she can be faulted for that. But her anger is quite justified, as is her desire to hurt you.

That said, I have NEVER heard of a scenario where a parent suddenly realizes the error of ways and says, "Oh, I was so wrong about keeping the child from you, let's do 50/50 now."

I've only heard of two scenarios:

  • A) the parents mutually agree that it's best for the kids to have joint custody; and they may bicker a little over tiny details, or

  • B) one parent wants to severely restrict custody of the other parent, and it takes court orders (and perhaps repeated trips back to court) to force the parent to comply with a parenting plan.

I think your attorney is being very honest about cost, and it's clear that he thinks you have situation "B". He knows this is going to be a big fight. That's a good thing about this attorney, at least. Some attorneys would get you in the door with a $2500 or $5000 retainer and string you along for a year, continually saying, "Oh just another couple thousand perhaps..."

On top of all of that, you previously mentioned that your current ex stood by your side while you fought for and received sole custody of your older child. She knows the system, so you have an even tougher fight.

Did you purchase "Win Your Child Custody War" described on my What You Must Have page? That's only $70. Go to that page and read why this is critical for you to buy.

It'll all work out, don't worry, but perhaps not in the way that you'd wish. As I've said previously, the consequence of your choice to cheat will lead to a pretty crappy couple of years for you.

I really can't help you. Nothing is probably going to help except for time and you acting with the utmost integrity forever, to try to rebuild trust with the mother of your child.

And get a vasectomy, so no more children are brought into this chaotic situation.

Good luck.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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