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Husband had an affair, and wife left six months ago; she won't let him see the child


Your Question:
I had a son with an exgf. We were broken up by the time the baby was born. Son is now 8 and i've had primary custody for 3 years, due to his mom's negligance. She has visitation two weekends a month.

About 2 years ago I had a baby with a new gf. I know that the baby is mine he looks just like me plus my wife is not the type. My wife found out that I was messing around with a girl from work. A jealous co-worker I think, tiped her off. It was stupid but it didnt and still doesnt mean anythign. I work out of town for the week, then come home on the weekends. My wife cares for both kids all week long. this happened 6 months ago. I came home on fri night to find my wife the baby and my son gone. all of my wife and son's possessions were gone.

In a panic I called her cellphone. She answered and said in a really calm and evil way your son is at his mother's house. then she basically said that she and the baby were going to be gone from my life forever. She said i could keep my hoochie. Thats it. it was a 30 second conversation. Since then she has not answered her phone, and i cannot locate them. I think that theyre with her parents but I dont know. Shes very smart and very stubborn. she told me before that if we ever broke up that this would happen. Ive gone to her parents house and her dad wont let me in or tell me anything. my cellphone is in her name under a family plan. The bill keeps getting paid, but thats the only way i would even know that they're ok. I havent seen my baby or my wife in over 6 months. I dont know what to do.

I went over to pick up my other son and apparantly my wife told his mom that there was a family emergency and that she was sorry to drop him off like this. no other explaination. That mom is now in a tizzy because i dont have anyone to take care of my son and have had no choice but to let him stay with her for the time being. i cant lose my job. i'm making close to 50 bucks an hour and could never make that kinda money anywhere else. now shes threatening to change the custody order and get cs, if i don't come over and get him by the end of this month. so now im looking at losing my job and starting all over again with nothing or else losing my other son.

I just want everything back. My son my wife and my baby. I know thats probably not possible now but whats my best course of action here? Im pissed that my wife gave my son back to his mother. We fought hard for him in court. she was up until 6 months ago his primary care giver. Now because of all of this ive lost all of them. But she wont even give me the chance to work it out. At this point my son wouldnt even remember who i was. his birthday is coming up and it kills me that i wont even be there to see him turn 2.

If my oldest son is here as i will have no one to watch him. I work 6 hours away. He says that he doesnt want to be here without my wife. he misses them as much as i do. My mom says that his behavior is bad. Which i cant believe because hes always been so well behaved at home. Custody hasnt been changed but now hes going to school in his moms school district. i dont even know how hes doing in school. At this point im gonna go to work on monday and put my two week notice in. Then pick him up in 2 weeks.

i know that i have to hire an attorny to sort out this situation with my wife. but I dont know how im going to afford to do it if I have to quit my job to take care of my son. Plus even then i wont win. She will have unlimited funds and support with who her parents are. Her grandfather is the mayor of the town. They all hated me even before we got married. I dont want to get divorced if I can talk to my wife even for an hour i think that we could still work it out. I feel like I cant even talk to anyone legally without them somehow finding out.

I cant use the attorney that I used to get custody of my son because he was my father in law's law school buddy, and her dad found him and paid for the whole legal thing. Our house was also bought and paid for by her parents too and is in my wife's name. The only thing that I own is my pickup. I didnt realize how good i had it until I f'ed it all up.

Any help or advice is appreciated. thanks

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My Answer:
Hi,

Wow, you really did mess up. All you can do at this point is pick up the pieces and keep trudging along. I think you've got a long road ahead.

It's completely unacceptable that you have had no contact with your second child for six months. I suggest that you retain an attorney and seek orders for custody. Unfortunately, you've waited so long that the mother is likely going to get majority timeshare, if not sole custody. But, if she's refusing your involvement with the child, due to her anger at you, you need court orders to fix that.

You have to decide how important it is for your older child to remain in your custody. If critical, then you need to take steps to make it happen that you're around to raise your older child.

I don't have much else to say in terms of advice. You've got major consequences to deal with as a result of having two kids with two mothers and screwing around after that.

Your older kid's life is screwed up, because of your bad choice.

Your marriage is apparently over, because of your bad choice.

Your financial security (i.e., via your wife's parents) is done, because of that choice.

Your younger son is destined to go back and forth between homes, just like your older one, because of your choice.

Your two kids probably won't get to know each other as siblings, since their time in your home may not overlap too much.

Your older kid has probably lost the relationship he had with his stepmom.

And, you're so screwed in terms of child support.

I imagine that it may be a couple years before your life starts to look better again. You owe it to your kids to do whatever it takes during this time to minimize the impact your choice has had on their lives.

All you can do at this point is your best to make it right. I definitely feel for you, in how hard your life has become because of your poor impulse control. But, your price is having to climb your way out of this mess without giving up. If you give up, everybody loses, including you.

There's just no magic dust that can be sprinkled to turn back the clock. I'm sorry for all of you.

Good luck.

Eric





This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.


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