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Mother of 2 infants by 2 fathers concerned that the younger infant shouldn't have overnights with hostile father

Your Question:
Hi!I have never been married and have two children ages 2 and 8 months. They both have different fathers. They both live with me full time. My son who is 2 sees his dad at his convinence but we get along and he is good with my son. He pays child support and does as much as he can. My daughters father and I broke up almost at the beginning of the pregnancy. He was very abusive and controlling and didn't think it was healthy for my son. He wanted me to have an aborion and offered to pay for it but I couldn't do it. He then highly recommended adoption and said if I didn't do it he would make my life a living hell. I went through my pregnancy alone and at 7 months decided to keep the baby. Me and the father had very little contact during the pregnancy. He was aware of the scheduled c-section but did not call me or even come to the hospital when I called and said she was born. He had nothing to do with her for 4 months and denied paternity. We had the test and ofcourse she was his. He still did not contact me in regards to our daughter. I contacted him to notify him of her surgery when she was a little over four months. Shortly after that he was taken to court for child support because she was on medical assistance. Two days before we were to go to court he filed for full custody. Now we have a custody evaluation going on and a judge did give him every other weekend with our infant daughter who he had hardly seen. I was horrified that they would think that is emotioanlly healthy for a child of that age or any child in that matter. But because he is a nurse he got visitation right away. He was also given one evening a week which he has never taken saying he dosen't have the time. This is all about money and the child support he dosen't want to pay. This man is making our lives miserable and being allowed to do it. Everyone is telling me not to worry that they won't take my daughter away from me but even the possibility of it is keeping me awake late at night crying. He made up a ton of lies in his motion ie I'm unnurturing, leave my kids alone, don't play with them. He is so manipulative and controlling and I'm worried he will fool everyone after all he fooled me for almost 7 months when we were dating. My kids are very attached and my son would fall apart if his sister was suddenly gone and so would I. Now the evaluator asked me to do psychological testing so I'm not sure what lies he is telling her now. When I confornted him about his lies he told me it was his lawyers doing and that he isnt trying to take her away from me. He lies about lieing. His family has harrassed and threatened me. I have two police reports documenting this. I also have e-mails he wrote me saying because he's not getting sex anymore he isn't going to do anything for me or his child. The man is just a loony! Please reasure me if you can! Thanks Also this visitation is really taking a toll on my daughter. She's so little and it's hard for her to adjust back and forth. I think he should be able to see her but I think she is too young for overnnights. Any advice on that?

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My Answer:

Thanks for writing.

I suggest that you find a trusted shoulder to be your emotional outlet. For example, a therapist or counselor. Such a person could help you cope with it. If you don't tell anyone that you're seeing a therapist, that person can be your confidante, as no one will ever know to ask them to testify in court.

I also suggest that you stop having sex until you're married. Two children by two men within two years is not good for anyone.

Yes, it's hard for an infant to adjust to going back and forth between two homes, and yes it's hard for an infant to sleep in two homes. However, you and the father created the situation and asked a judge to make the best out of a bad situation. So, that's what happened.

Finally, do everything the evaluator requests. It's very difficult to fool psychological testing. If you and the father go through the same tests, the evaluator will be able to report to the court as to the mental health issues going on. If you believe that you're stable and the father is "looney", then you don't have a great deal to worry about. Just be honest with the evaluator.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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