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Mother of infant thinks involved father is being vindictive by opposing a move-away

Your Question:
I currently have physical custody of my 9-month old son. His father and I share joint legal custody and in our paperwork it says that the father has to agree to the change in residence of our son.

My ex and I currently each live with our own parents. Our paperwork says that the father has visitation rights twice a week. I am bummed that we didn't get more specific and discuss holidays, schooling, or what happens when one or the other gets remarried and moves. However, my son's dad is pretty consistent at seeing my son, although he has missed a few opportunities to see him and is late picking him up.

Currently, I am in a relationship that is going to end in marriage. The man I will marry is stable, owns a home and lives in Northern California (I am in Southern California). I would have the opportunity to be a stay-at- home mom and be happy.

My ex does not want me to move. It appears that he is just being vindictive since he doesn't want me to marry the man I intend to. Is there anyway for me to move? Obviously the "twice a week" arrangements would have to change since I can't fly my son down to see him twice a week. Please advise. Thank you!

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My Answer:

Thanks for writing.

I'm about to write something I've never before included in an answer.

I think you're a self-centered idiot. How's that for an answer?!

By your own admission, the father is pretty involved, and that will only grow with time.

You are about to take a step that is going to have a severe, complex impact on your son. You are going to force shuttling a very young child back and forth a long distance. You are going to rob the child of the bond that has been building with his father.

Your child is nine months old, which means you most recently had sex with the father less than 18 months ago. You're now with a new man, planning a wedding. This is not indicative of an emotionally healthy woman.

If your future husband were a good man, he would sell his home, move to your city, and build a life there. He is evidently not a good man, as he has no problem ripping a child away from his father. If you have kids with him and your marriage from him ends in divorce, let me be the first to warn you that this man will likewise have no problem trying to rip a child from his mother, either.

I point out that you always used the term "my son" and not "our son" in your post. Your perspective is that is just you and your son, and there's this unimportant man to have to deal with too.

The reason why you earned the label "idiot" is with your suggestion that your ex is just being vindictive by opposing the move of his child. If I need to explain further, have one of your friends read this post, and they should be able to help you with it.

My advice is to avoid men for a little while, grow up, and never rip this child away from either parent.

An attorney would give you a much different answer. But attorneys are paid to do what their clients want, not what is best for children.

You were extremely polite to me, but your attitude is reprehensible. When you became a parent, YOUR happiness should have taken a second priority.

I imagine that you'll simply ignore my words and seek a better answer from someone else. Such is your choice. But in 15 to 20 years, when your son asks, "Why did you..."; that's when you'll be held accountable.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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