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Never-married father has custody; mother about to have parental rights terminated; father wonders what's best for child

Your Question:
my ex girlfriend and i went our seperate way about a year ago. she had custody of our 4 yr old son. 2 months after that the state took ,my son and her other two children away from her for child neglect. i have and had temporary full custody of our son going on 1 yr now. she has made very little improvement on her stability. she has gone from a 1 hr supervised visitation once a week to a 3 hr visit once a week and supervised. now that the 1 yr is almost up and the court is going to terminate her rights she has been calling saying that she misses me and wants to get back together with me. alot of mental, physical and emotional damage has been done to me from this past year on all of the stupid things she has done to me and my property. she says that she has changed but the more i talk to her the more i am realizing that she really hasnt changed. but the main question i have is all this pain worth it and dealing with all the past hurt from her worth staying together for my son

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My Answer:

Thanks for your note. I can't even imagine the pain and turmoil you've been through with a woman who is about to have her parental rights terminated. Only the worst kinds of parents face such a fate, and they tend not to care much about the people around them.

That said, I think you wrote the easiest question I've received.

It is not in your interest to have chaos and conflict in your life.

It is not in your son's interest to have chaos and conflct in his life.

In looking at the mother compassionately for helping her, the best thing that could happen to her is to have incentive to change. If you take her back, you remove that incentive.

If her parental rights are terminated, you then have complete control to decide to have her back in the child's life when she demonstrates that she truly HAS changed. If she wants to be a mother to this child, she will have to get clean and sober, go to counseling, or whatever else was required of her that she failed to do during the past year.

If she is incapable of changing, which really may be the case, you would be extremely irresponsible to allow her any access to your son. Bearing a child does not make a mother. Acting with stability and love makes a mother.

Finally, if the state terminates her parental rights, it is doing so out of the child's best interest. If you thereafter allow her access to your son, and if something bad happens to him, you would be severely risking your own relationship with the child... in that you continued to allow a dangerous woman access to the child after the court severed such access. Do you want to stand before a judge having to explain that?

If I were in your shoes, I would allow her to face the consequences that she has brought upon herself, I would pray for her soul to be healed, and I would get my child as far away from her as possible.

Intentionally or not, you picked a very bad person to bear your child. However, you have 14 more years to give him the stability that he deserves so he can grow up happy and confident.

What role does this woman play in that? Right now, absolutely zero. You're to be commended for thinking very hard about this, but I do believe it's a very easy answer.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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