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Previous poster clarifies that he can't see his kids due to his ex's venom, not due to his own parenting limitations


Your Question:
will try to explain the situation the best I can. The original order for visitation is in Massachusetts. The original order states that I get the kids for 4 weeks every summer at my home in NC. When ex wife denied me the right to exercise my parenting time, I took her to court in Boston and the judge told me next time, I have to take it to CT since neither of us live in MA anymore. The judge also told ex wife that she had to get the child support moved to CT. That was in 2003 and she is just now doing that.

Anyway, I had to take her to court again the following year, so I hired an attorney and she was the worst attorney ever. I cant hire another attorney. I have to do this on my own.

In 2003, my children had to talk to the Family Relations Officer. Both of my daughters lied to her. Saying things like I never send them anything for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I have always sent them something for every little holiday. My middle child told them that when she was here visiting that she had severe stomach cramps and she had never said anything about it to us when she was here. They lied about things that I really have no way of proving.

The FRO asked them if their mom talked negatively about me and they said No. (Keep in mind that the mom had time to tell the kids not to say anything about that.)

The FRO recommended that I come from NC to CT every other weekend to re-establish my relationship with my kids. I tried explaining that was impossible to do. But they dont care. How am I supposed to do that? Believe me, if I could do that, I would, but I dont think I should HAVE to do that anyway. My kids have not forgotten me and they know me. Its their mom putting all this in their heads telling them that I abandoned them. (She tells me and my wife in emails that we are pathetic losers and that the kids know it too.) I call at least once a week on a regular basis and I pay child support so they will have the things they need. I love my children and they know it.

This is not a jealous rage on her part (that I know of) she remarried and had 2 more kids before me and my wife even got married.

My ex is trying to tell me that I have to go back to court to set up future visitations and it doesn't say that in any of the papers I have. I called the clerk of court and they said that there is no visitation order. But then someone told me not to listen to them they dont know. So I dont know either.

I am none of those things you mentioned and neither is my wife. We are decent people with morals and we live a clean, healthy and normal life. My children are very important to me. My ex has no morals at all and as long as she lets the kids do whatever they want to do, she knows they will never want to leave her.

And I am a good dad.

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My Answer:
Hi,

For background information, you're prior post is HERE.

I'm truly sorry for what you're enduring, and I wish I had any words to say that could be of help.

The truth is, with a good attorney by your side, you've got a hard battle. With no attorney, it's even harder.

At the very least, invest $70 (that's NOTHING compared to an attorney!) and get the book "Win Your Child Custody War" by Hardwick. There's a link to it from my Recommended Books page.

I can't emphasize enough how much wisdom, strategic thinking, and guidance is packed into that 600 page book, chapter by chapter, for every step of the way.

Also, "Divorce Poison" by Warshak will help you understand the powers at work going on with your kids.

If you want a read that you'll probably connect with, that you may find unbelievable in how an author has put into words what you experience with your ex (and how normal people can't comprehend how sick and twisted your ex truly is), pick up a copy of "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. This 1980ish book was a first mainstream attempt to examine how evil works through everyday people.

Incidentally, if you have court orders in your hand, ones that haven't been superceded by any other court orders, you can ask that they be enforced. But again, you may need legal guidance on that.

Unfortunately, if you do nothing, you may lose the kids altogether. Or, when they grow older, they may seek you out.

At some point, you and your wife have to have a serious discussion about what you want to do. I just don't see any easy road for you-- fighting it will be a huge effort, and letting it go will be so painful.

Venom and vindictiveness that comes out of pain and anger usually dissipates pretty quickly with people of normal psychological and moral make-up. It takes a tremendous energy to hate with such a passion, and normal people can't keep it up. What you describe is different.

I'm not being glib or dramatic when I share my thoughts that many of us see the face of true evil in our child custody situations. If everything you're saying is true, you are facing a woman who is a vehicle for true evil. She may have a mental health issue like a personality disorder that makes her a particularly good vessel for evil deeds, or maybe not. But evil is a poison that spreads with confusion, manipulation, and constant use of fear to gain power. Kids are so vulnerable, as yours are experiencing, because they don't have the stable foundation of reality and goodness gained only through decades of life experience. Such experience (and in some people it's coupled with a deep sense of faith) is the only way an individual is able to ward off the masterful influence of evil.

So, in your situation, being a good parent is not enough. Being moral is not enough. Being fair and reasonable is not enough. To defeat a persone engaged with and fueled by an evil drive (likely unconsciously) takes such energy, effort, and perseverance that many people simply are not equipped to undertake. There are subconscious demons (whether one wants to call them psychological or spiritual) driving your ex's actions, and you're a mere, mortal human. It's a tough fight, my friend, one of biblical proportions. I'm not a Bible-thumping religious zealot, but over the past few years, I've come to believe that there are very real fights between true good and true evil on our Earth, and only a minority of unlucky people ever experience (or are cosmically selected for?) such fights.

Many parents get tromped by the family court system, for a variety of impersonal reasons. Those people are unfortunate victims of an imperfect system, not an evil one. You also face a much deeper fight, due to what exudes from your kids' mother. I don't have an answer for you, but if I've helped you open your eyes or put your finger on a new perspecive in what you face (though no lawyer, evaluator, or judge would ever tell you what I've just suggested), you may find that this journey helps you grow as an individual; regardless of the court outcome.

Very best wishes for you.

Eric





This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.


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