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Soon-to-be father is getting the cold shoulder from pregnant ex-girlfriend

Your Question:
meet a girl we dated for six weeks, she became pregnant. overall our relationship up to that point was rocky, then her true colors started to show. She wanted to have a baby because her sister was 2 months along, and was getting more attention. She started fighting almost right away and we broke up for about a month. I tried to get her to use my medical program, she would not hear it and went on medicade. Ive tried so many times to repair our relationship and she knows that i want to be a family. She is compleatly possesive about the entire situation, i don't know anything about dr's appts or anything. I tell her i want to be involved with her and our daughter, but she says that she needs nothing from me. She is very mean about the entire situation. If i try and call her she wont awnser, then text me right back and ask me what i want. However in my own life I am taking parenting classes, infant cpr and have spent 5k on renoventions to my home. My mom lives down the street the school is across the street from my house. I have free tribal day care and health benifits for the baby. I have a good career with a flexible scedule and can work from home sometimes. we only live 25 miles apart and am willing to be very flexible and understanding about her and my daughters needs. but because she is so difficult now, im afraid she is only going to get worse about visitation and every other issue involved with raising a child. She works but not alot, lives with her folks. her home life is fine and her folks seems like fine people. But because she is so difficult I will be asking for joint phyical, joint legal, and joint custiodial. I don't think she will be an unfit mother, but I just want the same chance to be a good father. I know she is not going to like or approve of this. how do I go about this with a ceartin amount of respect to her and her family. I know we broke up at first and that looks bad and she says she is keeping logs of missed dr appts and such. And has made me out to be a complete dead beat who abandioned her, but thats not really the case!

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My Answer:

Thanks for writing.

I've answered a few "soon-to-be father" questions, and so I'm going to have you read this one for an overall perspective on what you should be doing.

Most of what you write is really irrelevant in a future custody determination. The court doesn't care if either of you are good boyfriend/girlfriend material. So, that cuts out nearly all of what you wrote, right?

In terms of moving forward with "a certain amount of respect to her and her family", all you can do is extend an olive branch while you quietly prepare for battle.

I would suggest that you immediately send her correspondence via Certified Mail stating that you want to work together (if not romantically) and be involved in doctor appointments during the pregnancy and planning for the baby's future. Keep a copy for yourself, and you can show later (if need be) that she knew you wanted to be involved and act cooperatively.

In the seventh or eighth month of pregnancy, I suggest you send another item of correspondence via Certified Mail, asking to begin discussions on the baby's parenting plan. You want such discussion so that you and she can work cooperatively from day one in raising this child, and it's your greatest desire to resolve things amicably and avoid conflict.

If you are able to come to resolution prior to birth, that's great.

But if you don't hear back from either note, don't bother her-- it's very easy for a woman to cry "harassment, intimidation, hostile" and get a temporary restraining order against you. Additionally, you have no legal avenues to pursue until the child is born. All you can do is prepare your case.

Once the child is born, you immediately file a paternity action and seek orders for custody and a parenting schedule. So, you want all your pleadings complete and ready to file by the beginning of the ninth month. As an unmarried father, you have NO parental rights until a court makes orders.

It may be your desire to resolve this in a civil and respectful manner, but if she responds by extending her middle finger to you, you have no choice but to engage in battle. A true man must understand that life often requires us to pray for peace but prepare for war.

And be sure to read that link above. It has further helpful information.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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