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Unemployed custodial mother is 500 miles from father; she wants him to have zero visitation & asks about possible outcomes

Your Question:
I am separated from my husband. I have not worked in 2yrs due to his request. We have a 4yr old and a 9 month old. He has said to me since I don't have anything (job, house or money) that he will get full custody of our child. We also leave 500 miles apart and he is not willing to move to where I am with the children and I am not willing to move where he is. The courts have offered to give him 1 month in the summer for visitation but he wants 3 months since he is so far away. I don't want him to have any visitation due to the age of the children and I am the primary caregive. Advise me of the possible out come.

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My Answer:

You asked for possible outcomes. As I see it, here are some of the possible outcomes:

  • If you refuse to work, and if child support isn't enough to support you, then you are acting against the interest of your children. If you become homeless, you cannot provide for the children, and he may get custody.

  • For the next 14 to 18 years, the children will get shuttled back and forth, many times a year, because both parents are too belligerent and too stubborn to live near each other. The parents would rather subject their children to the stress of 500 miles between two homes, and everything that comes with it.

  • If the court concludes that it's your goal to strip the children of a father (i.e., per your statement that you don't want him to have any visitation), the court may grow weary of this attitude and give custody to the father.

  • If the court is forced to pick one parent for being the primary home (as is necessary when the parents have 500 miles between them), it's likely that the court will pick your home, if it's adequate. The court will recognize that you've been the primary caregiver, and that carries much weight.

  • If you blame your financial situation on the father, you will annoy the judge. Unless you have a recognized disability that prohibits you from working, you need to find income.

  • If you and the father continue acting in the way that you've started, it's a possible outcome that neither child will want to live near either of you when they are grown. It's a possible outcome that they'll drift away from both of you.

Given all those possible outcomes, most of which aren't very good for anybody, I suggest you give serious thought to figuring out how to get both parents in the same city, so both parents can be involved in raising the children.

THAT single accomplishment will create the best chance of securing a good outcome for the two children caught in the middle of this.

Given your perspective at this point, I don't think you've read much on my website. If you want to learn how to minimize the trauma that this is going to cause your kids, read my section on Parenting Plans and get the book "Mom's House, Dad's House", which I have on my Book Review page.

Good luck.


This website gives common sense advice that is not intended to act as legal guidance nor psychological guidance. The author is neither an attorney nor licensed psychologist. For specific legal guidance or specific psychological guidance, consult with a licensed professional.

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